El Cheapo Tall Boys (aka Malt Liquor and Friends) PART 1

I was walking around the grocery store and realized that their selection gets worse daily. While they begin to choose more specialty beers, it tends to waiver on the side of one offering from each brewer; and not even the best offering at that. So, I felt that I needed to sway from craft brews and imports for today's post.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the cream of the crop in swill. This is stuff that many of us have had in college, when we're broke, when we're tired of quality beer, and when water just doesn't do the trick. Reviews after the jump.

All Ratings represent the malt liquors when compared to each other.

Hurricane High Gravity Lager
Not exactly sure how a Malt Liquor High Gravity Lager gets 8.1% alcohol by volume considering most of the manufacturers inject the alcohol anyway (editor's theory), but there it is on the can. This stuff smelled like bananas foster to me, not a good sign. It tasted like a cheap whiskey making me wonder if they fermented it in whiskey barrels; nah, that's not possible. The aftertaste was like whiskey too. What's up with this beer? The entire time, from first sip to throw away, I felt like I needed to gag. In the end, I felt sick and had to pour the rest out.
3/10

Steel Reserve Triple Export
For those that have been brave enough to try marketing company malt liquor (yes, Steel Reserve was created by the same marketing company that gave the world Sparks), there is now Steel Reserve Triple Export. This stuff is stronger than it's predecessor and somewhat better than any of the other malt liquors I tried. It smells like alcomalts (that would be highly a alcoholic malt smell), to the point where I could pass out on the smell alone. But the taste, ahhh, the taste. This stuff was best described as a dirty rag soaked in gasoline. Now I don't know why that flavor makes it better than some, but it does.
8/10

Natural Ice
Now I realize that this is technically not called a malt liquor, but this college favorite is treated like one and will get you drunk like one so that's why I included it. Looking at my notes on this beer, the first thing I see is 'smells like feet.' It did. The smell alone destroyed the beverage. It tasted like it was alcoholated (injected with alcohol). It finishes like a can of dirt. This is the driest beer I have ever had. I don't want a malt liquor to hold that award.
6/10

Schlitz Malt Liquor
The famous Blue Bull. This stuff smelled like a high alcohol pilsner. So there is a beer on this list that actually smells and tastes like beer? Sort of. First taste was like a malty lager with heavy alcohol. It had a really grainy aftertaste. After that, well, there was no after that. The alcohol seared the inside of my mouth to the point that all I tasted was carbonated alcohol for the rest of it. That alone, makes this the #1. To not have to taste it is awesome.
8/10

After all that, I forgot one, Billy Dee's Colt 45. For some reason, I became so preoccupied with drinking cheap malt liquor that I threw my journalistic integrity out the window (actually, I forgot). So here is a picture of the can. That's the best I can do. When I write part two, I'll put the review in.